Emotional and Fantastically Fulfilling Days

When I work a few days in a row, I am reminded how happy I am to be on an oncology floor and how privileged I am to be part of my patient's journeys. I had the same patient a few days in a row and she has definitely been my most difficult patient to date. She is a paraplegic with metastatic breast cancer to her brain and bones. She reminded me all day long how independent she used to be, only three months ago. In the subsequent time, she has lost the ability to hold herself up, roll herself over, walk, completely feed herself and basically do any movements without the help of a nurse. She is a beautiful Chinese woman who is recently bald with a patch over her head covering the needle that the doctor's use to insert chemotherapy into the ventricles in her brain once a week. She was a dental assistant and loves to tell me why she uses two toothbrushes each time she brushes and I help her do so three times a day. She has two children, a husband, loves going to church and is meticulous about where each thing on her bedside table sits.

I could see how annoyed the other nurses were getting at her -- because she rang the call bell about every 4 minutes all shift long. I made sure to run into her room each time, no matter how tired I was. I had to keep in mind that she must be more tired than I. At the end of the 2nd day, she said that I was the best nurse she had ever had - and the thing is, I didn't go extremely above and beyond. It matters to the patients to take time with them. I cried at the gym that night while I was on the treadmill. It's sometimes my way of running away the day, at the end of a shift. Sweat it out. I can think about each of my patients and try to run from the diseases that are creeping up the sides of their bedrails.

I really do think about my dad all day long when I'm at work. The Chinese woman was terrified of a lumbar puncture that she has to do soon. She has such bad back pain that she is so scared to sit still, on her back, for 6 hours post-procedure. The other nurses didn't talk to her about her worries. I remember specifically my father having the same exact fear of not being able to move and be positioned direction on his back, on his bone mets, for hours during a procedure. I talked with her and told her about my father's experience and didn't make light of her fears. I know that this is going to be a hard profession for me to do daily, but it allows me to bring my father's illness and suffering to the forefront of my mind and to be reminded of his unimaginable strength. I am able to use my experience of his experience to benefit others. I know he'd be so proud of me doing what I am doing here; every day I wish I could call him and tell him all about it. He would LOVE the indian food in little india. He would be jewishly scared that I went on a hike near a shooting range today, though (dont' worry, it was completely safe - but he would still cringe, I know for sure).

My preceptor joking told me that I was able to take breaks in the back room instead of sitting in the patients rooms for my break. I said no. I absolutely love what I am doing and have such admiration for the patients, other nurses and doctors helping me through this first step into the world of oncology.

I hope I have my dental assistant again when I'm on the floor tomorrow. She told me I'm flossing wrong so I definitely need her advice. I think that she needs mine, too.